Patience is a Virtue

Building my website has not been easy... nor has getting an art career off the ground when you've got ZERO name recognition. I have the support of friends and family and I tell myself that is all I need but there is an intense pressure building in my head. I feel behind on everything... I'm still not even sure what this is going to be and writing a post like this seems a little foolish. I guess I just need to write right now to make sure I'm still building on this idea and not letting it fade into the noise that seems to be clouding my thoughts lately.

I got some work up in Stage 3, its the first time my work has been in a public place and instead of being a relief, I find it nerve wracking... I don't know why... I am supposed to be working on another project for a show in May and another in June. I feel so distracted... My aunts just left town and while it was great to see them and have them around it is difficult being displaced and productive at the same time... 

So time keeps on slipping and I'm feeling more neurotic by the second. I need to get some pictures framed by tomorrow. I think the ones I want to frame are finally ready, I spent all last week finishing them up and I want to get them framed so I have something for the local gallery. 

After I've got those framed and ready to go I'm going to start work on the first of what I hope are many childrens books... well, just regular books packaged for children haha. Gene is writing and I will illustrate. I am really excited cause the stories he has a good and I think I will do them justice. 

I have 3 oil paintings I need to finish by the end of the month. Why? Cause I just need to haha. I want to make sure I'm free to work on the upcoming projects. I don't know why but I feel better writing this... Sometimes I think I forget to be patient with myself.

How did we get here...?

This is what is starting to happen to my cities... They're falling apart... I need to finish this painting. I got frames the other day so I need to stop skiing and get back to work. I get so scatter brained when it comes to art. I'll be working and get an idea and suddenly I'm starting a new painting so I can really get into the idea and I never seem to go back... its always this forward drive to something... I don't even know what I'm trying to do anymore. I built this huge canvas the other day, too big to even get into my car... I mean what the fuck was I thinking?

I just... I can't seem to stop following this fucking idea. I started doing a portrait in blocks the other day. Its fucking weird as hell and yet I love it. I am going to do the same thing in oils soon and I think its going to be weird as hell but I'm excited about it. There is this weird flow that I get into where ideas just stack upon each other and I don't know...

The pictures just seem to be getting weirder and weirder... My brother and I were looking at an oil painting I have been working on and we realized that I'm working towards minimalism or something... Its really weird... The cities are going to start disappearing completely I'm afraid... Maybe thats a good thing... I guess I just enjoyed them but I can see why my art is moving into a new direction.

I honestly never thought I'd be an abstract painter... Its really weird being excited about things that most people probably never think about in their lives. I mean how many people are in search of the perfect color, or the right shapes or perspectives? How many people worry about making something look too clean? Or how many people build something up and then get excited about fucking it all up just to see what happens? I keep staring at this oil painting I'm working on because I have to go back into it and redo a bunch of it. I don't know why but I'd almost rather just paint over the entire thing... I know I need to stick with it... its really close to being done and I think it will be pretty fantastic when its finished. It has some really great parts... I think if I get the depth right on the parts that are bugging me it will be a really great painting.

SF Moma

I've been keeping this brochure on my desk from my trip to SF MOMA in feb; a reminder that I wanted to write some thoughts down about the trip. It was one of those trips that felt important, like I reaffirmed my life mission to make art. There was a retrospective on Francesca Woodman who I had not heard of previously and its a shame cause she has an amazing collection of photographs. She killed herself when she was 23 and it was one of those weird moments where you're looking at all these intimate self portraits and just wondering what it is about our society that makes life so uncomfortable for some of us...

There was another photography retrospective for a Dutch photographer, Rineke Dijkstra who honestly has created some of the most amazing portraits I've ever seen. Most of the portraits are focused on teens and you can just see the awkwardness in each of them. Its this weird juxtiposition showing how all of us experience these fragile times where we feel insecure and strange and out of place... So again it makes you wonder why there are some of us who can't take it...

Rineke also did several series of people over time. There is one of a boy entering the armed forces... I think it was the French Legion or something like that.. but you see a change in him... its... I don't know how to describe it, but suddenly he is changed and you just know he saw or experienced something that stole his innocence. Its gone after that and every photo reflects it... It was really quite incredible.

I got to see an exhibit by Mark Bradford who is doing these massive collages, arranging pieces of advertising and billboards, all sorts of found paper and he cuts them into squares and rectangles and arranges them in patterns that honestly to me look like a city from a birds eye view. I felt an instant kinship haha. His paintings are massive too. There is something wonderful in being completely absorbed in a painting. Its like being transported to another world.

I guess I kinda miss the city when I think about museums...